In Granfather’s Garden (2.10)

I remember him just as he was

…..Always in his garden

I would sometimes help him pick tomatoes and carrots simply for the enjoyment of spending time with him

His hat was dingy….. stainded with years of corn and cotton fields

His overalls, bleached with the decades of experience

And I enjoyed hearing their songs as I trotted behind my gradfather in his garden

DEAR YOU.. YEAH YOU TOO (04.18.10)

Dear you,

You solicit my thoughts with your verbal walk. Your explicit talk spits at my heart and eats through it like acid leaving remnants of my emotions placid. Ink blots on my sheets take on the form of tears that leak from a broken spirit that weeps and seeks revenge within a pen that lets ink seep on to the pages of your face. Your black eyes glare at me and I stare emitting my rage on to your lines so I can violate your life.

You claim you dont play games but your the reigning champion. You run races throughout my mind taking pit stops in my heart. I numbly wave the checkered flag as you drag out your final lap and I wonder how much longer will this last... Why wont you just pack up and depart.. erase the mark that you have carved in my soul.

Bestowed upon my soul is a curse that constantly lets me know that you have let go and the pain continues to grow critically as i close my eys and see you bitterly
Im normally not the type who points fingers, but when your poisoned kiss still lingers it makes it hard for me to think clearly.. My mind is telling me to go sometimes when my heart says "NO"... And and then my heart switches up and says " put it all on the frontline" while my mind says "fall behind"

Every now and then I slip through the cracks I checked into rehab so I could no longer intoxicate myself with you but relapsed "Indulging in Drunken Highs and Sleepless Nights" making my way to the bottom of liquor bottles in search of you every night. I inwardly fight daily for a way out but I cant seem to recover from your last clout that left me scribbling for life in the ICU because I foolishly decided to intensively care for you

My spirit's taking me through lyrical therapy... making records mentally I gradually get you out of my system manually, Writing vengefully with out wishful thinking but with enraged truths. The facts about the me's and the you's, The fact that me and you are now spitefully connected forcing me to see your truth's full of shit and it makes me long... long to kiss and blow kisses with my fist... to make your heart beat with a lisp because you put mine on crutches and now i love with a limp from a permanent emotional dent...

Your name was the song of my heart topping the charts but now your tune seldomly plays becoming a one hit wonder. Memories of your voice cracks with static through the speakers of my soul... So... I closed my eyes and changed the station to 99. Peace of Mind because I'd rather cut the line than you string me along like wasted lines in a forgotten love song

And I will go one with my life as if you never existed and forget about love becuase I'll never miss it. I'm putting my feelings aside for the sake of my pride.. no more getting inside through a glimpse of my eyes... Emotions on a shelf.... Everything else.... Im keeping to myself.

A LETTER TO MY FORMER LOVE (4.15.10)

Dear you,
I can no longer address you as love because I no longer know you as such. To clear any obscurities, I am not writing this for you, but merely to you as a way to forget you and rid you of my thoughts. You have invaded my thoughts, and yes.... yes I do feel violated this time. Why? Because you are indeed trespassing and you ARE NOT welcomed here any longer. You have breached my frontal lobe making your way to my hippocampus... leaking... seeping into my already poisoned blood stream making it 11 times as deadly. My blood has become the venom that's spoken from the serpants tongue and has lead to the destruction of mankind.


Why?... Why must I ask you this question? It is because I must ask you why.... Why so? Because like many others I too wonder how a once beloved soul can instantly turn cold falling below the freezing point and exceeding the mark of death. You have turned so cold to the point that it burns... Burns deep into my soul, engulfing me in flames.. making me the flame that can now point you towards the direction of hell. Accented with the touch of Hades, you have been marked with three sixes attaching you to his soul... and for that I-- I-- I'm forced to let you go.. Go and wander into lands unknown, although I know where each land ends without a turning point, turning into the destruction of who I knew as the true and pure you.

I must say however, that i do not feel the slightest sympathy nor the faintest sign of compassion for you, but i do wish you the best of luck ... at falling on your face.. heart first. I bitterly speak as a means to to release your childish defeat of an honest me. I have you know that I am indeed writing with a vengeful pen, but by the end of this letter, perhaps I will have let you go and regain control of who I really am. I can no longer accept the truth spoken from future lips because you reveal yourself in each line with every word. I can no longer give, think, or love whole heartedly. I think of you faintly and suddenly the world stops spinning... freezing time as I happily yet relucntantly erase you from my life.


I must admit, I am insulted for having a juvenile mindset. I dared to think.... I had the audacity to hope... to hope that things would not happen eventhough i knew they would. Although, I was never too blind to see what has come of you because it was visible all along.... I do however, suppose I was too naive to believe that you were never who you put on display for me. I now see however, that the truth is indeed an ugly thing to see... especially when its spoken through the lips of such a beautiful liar.... and with that said...Goodbye.


P.S. By the way Miss.... Your poor lack of judgement is showing... Just thought you should know.

STATE OF HIBERNATION (3.28.10)

I close my eyes

and run to a place only my heart can lead me

you knock on the doors of my mind and enter

meekly..

deeply...

into undiscovered lands of my soul and lyrically claim it as your own

you have done what others have only dreamed of doing

caress my soul's body

as it whispers " hold on and never let go"

shape and mold it

Boldly...

Run your fingers across my thighs of intellectual compromise

an i will succomb as u reach and breach my cerebral core

your words prance up and down my spine

fondling spots hidden to the human eyes

my intuition drips as you wrap your mind around my hips of knowledge

you consistently tap the ass of lessons i obtained from the classrooms of college

my body shiver shakes and tremble with each line

drawing me closer as my poetic passion over flows



you look into my eyes and enter even deeper

as we lay upon blank lines we write and spill our ink

inscribing a lifetime of understandings within our minds

I speak telepathically as you have left me speechless



you kiss me and I taste your tongue spiked with determination

it sedates me as i drift into a state of hibernation



But soon enough I'll awake and challenge you to put me into a coma without hesitation

WORD RAGE (3.6.10)

Is it a crime that I hold my tongue for no one? That I’d rather spill my intellects verbally releasing my thoughts in a fashionable way that is academically?


I expose my knowledges giving my acknowledgements to those who have fed me cerebrally……

as my brain leaks overwhelmingly I collect each drop and drink of it salaciously and it quenches my emaciated soul that is parched from the restricted lessons of the world that has yet to be told and taught- So I can gladly add it to my arsenal of thought and finally step out of this seclusion of thought that is based upon the asylum of my mind that I always seem to break out of each and every time-

And each and every time I always seem to unwind release and deliver the truth only to undergo a series of psychiatric reviews that has compelled me to restraint…. and I become the number one complaint for refusing compliancy and everything else that requires me to abandon the authentic me

Is it wrong that I refuse to get along? That I’d rather take the road they refuse and endure the labors of remaining true?

I take this path knowing in the end I will be the one who last and conquer the minds of a vast amount and give an account for each and every one-

And each and everyone will no longer succumb to the ways of which they knew but once again become wholesome and understand the truth that they are…..

Because you see my word rages are outrageous as they give birth to my souls abrupt persuasions….I am encouraged to stop, but telling me to stop is like telling me to go because I will never stop until I reach the top and let every body know

But the higher I climb- the top seems to be out of reach like the glass ceiling effect is taunting me -

And so I will take this sledgehammer of equal opportunity and smash the wretched ceiling into minuscule pieces and lead the way to a world in which everyone can manifest from the words they say and speak so as long as they derive it from their heart and tap into their soul and set forth a stream of emotions plated in gold and written in self ink on pages of individuality…….

UNTITLED (1.17.10)

I stepped outside and pulled my jacket closer to me... it had to be every bit of 20 degrees

the night was golden frosted in cold... and yet I continued to stand alone...
I looked into the sky, which seemed to be just as lonely as I
I looked up in search of my last strand of hope... but tonight... the stars did not shimmer... they did not gleam... they stood still in silence as the wind bitterly chipped away at my skin



I wanted to talk to the moon... but I had no clue where to begin... Do I start with the beginning, or do I simply just skip to the end? I was hesitant for a while... frantically searching through my thoughts that were projected by the indifferences of my heart.... I could sense the moon growing impatient as my thoughts continued to bounce about in my mind... It wasn’t long before the moon decided to depart and retreat behind the clouds... and with each second that passed the night became loud creating a state of mayhem within me...



I grew agitated with the wind as it continued to bitterly and fiercely chip away at my skin... I hung my head low... gazing around at the ground beneath my feet... I thought to myself.. Is this really me? Is this really who I am? This person… this being who is slowly sinking into destruction as my world crumbles before me…….Everything that I have known… everything that I have worked for… is rapidly becoming no more… and I…I… I am breaking… I am falling… I…. am….. Failing



I could hear the grass inching upward towards me….. Grabbing at my feet…. I have grown tired of twisting and bending for others pleasures…. Jumping through hoops as if I were a circus freak….. The main attraction, center ring….. Running around in circles for the crowd while attached to a leash…… the grass grew taller as I just stood there planted to the ground, waiting to be submerged with soil of being through.. I prayed that the groundskeeper would not come and fertilize me, but instead let me wither in the winter as if I were a bad seed . Rotting like the forgotten trees of winter’s miseries

WHY SHOULD I... (11.20.08)

Why should I swallow my pride?

Because it bothers the person I sit beside?

You look

No you stare

No…….

You glare at me with your nose turned to the air

As if to faze me

But I refuse to run and hide in despair

So that’s a HA! To you

And an even more immense HA! To you

Your heartless persuasion and cynical ways

Aint shit to what I’ve endured during my days

You have made a juvenile attempt

To deplete me of every ounce of passion I have

Yet here I am

Laughing at your ass

So I ask you this

Why should I swallow my pride?

Because it bothers the person I walk beside?

You despise

No you abhor

No…..

You HATE what I can create myself to be

As if to deconstruct my being

But I refuse to fall victim to the Stereotypical ME

So that’s a HA! To you

And a massive HA! To you

You say someone of my nature will NEVER make it

You even go on to say how I’m a waste of life

And to your dismay I breathe extensively

You’ve made an effort to break me down

Yet here I stand

Making a spectacle of your ass

So again I ask you this

Why should I swallow my pride?

Because I refuse to be with the sex I was supposedly created to sleep beside?

You speculate

No you question

No……..

You demand that I don’t put a ring on her hand

Land of the free?

What does that mean?

If I cannot FREELY love she who contains the same characteristics as me

So I guess that’s supposed to be a HA! From you

And a bitch slap in the face from you

You’re founded on a constitution of equality

Yet you discriminate so openly

With your picket signs and ignorant rhymes

Yet she and I are committed

Morally killing your ass

So again I ask you this

Why should I swallow my pride?

Because of who I am and my refusal to hide?

You know

No you think

No…….

You swear on the universe that I’m wrong

As if your way is right

Searching for a reason to justify the means

But you just can’t find a way to diminish me

So that’s a HA! To you

And an even superior HA! To you

You hear me but you try so hard not listen

Because you say my opinion doesn’t matter

Hmmmm… But still I write…. And still you read

Now you’re pissed off because I have the authority to make you pay attention to me

So here I am

Still laughing at your ass

So I ask you this once more

Why

Should I

Swallow

My Pride?

THE STORY OF A GIRL (11.18.08)

Let autumn kiss her good night

And winter put her to sleep

As the breeze tell her a story

The summer was so good to her

But she longed to fall

She dreamed of a subtle September

That would wound her down from the excitement of August

She wanted to kiss the shores goodnight before the evening chill

And say her farewells to the waves before their temperatures fell

Let autumn kiss her goodnight

And winter put her to sleep

As the breeze tell her a story

She no longer wanted to run in the still air of July

She wanted so much to be noticed

To never again be discerned by the loneliness of self

She longed to wake up with the morning dew

And stroll with the winds of October

Let autumn kiss her goodnight

And winter put her to sleep

As the breeze tell her a story

She could no longer bare the bitter kisses of June

For they no longer satisfied her soul

She was ready to commit to the first frost

To forget the hardships of the spring

And let go of everything she has lost

She was more than anxious to belong

Because she lived to be a part

So she used November as a running start

So she could reach her love

For December held her heart 

SHE'S SPEAKING TO ME....AGAIN (11.14.08)

She played my favorite track…. Her heartbeat

And put it on repeat so it could continuously sing to me

She speaks to me and my heart beats

Her words kissed my soul

Opened my eyes

She breathes her chorus into me

Bring me to life

I’m revived

She sings and my spirit jumps

I never felt so alive

She played my favorite track…. Her heart beat

And put it on repeat so it would continuously sing to me

Her words are still ringing in my ear

Crystal clear

She pulled me apart

As she strummed my heart

Playing on my emotions like the strings on her guitar

I closed my eyes as the rhythm of her song took over my mind

In tune with her instrumental so divine

Falling in love as my rhythm and her beat combine

She played my favorite track…. Her heart beat

And put it on repeat so it could continuously sing to me

Her eyes danced on my thoughts as if they were fingers on a piano

Losing myself in her subliminal melodies

I laid there stationary as she moved me deeply

Encrypting her love within me

She’s creating herself in my being

Claiming me prisoner to her heart

Entrapping me in a lackadaisical daze

As I fell victim to her enchanting gaze

She played my favorite track…. Her heartbeat

And put it on repeat so it could continuously sing to me

She created a soundtrack of my life

With just one beat

It consists of one track

Her heart beat

And she put it on repeat

So it could continuously sing…..

To me

LOVE..LIFE... THE REALITY OF ME (11.21.08)

It’s more than just a wave

It’s a sea of emotions that clashes against the shores of my heart

Each time it recedes

It takes with it a piece of me

My spirit

My soul

My heart

My mind is eroding away with my fantasies

Becoming a victim of life’s reality

I want to Flee from this hell

And revert back to my childish dreams

I have watched my love welter

What was once a solid rock

Has been reduced to nothing more than sand

So light, so delicate, beautiful

Yet it’s nothing more than a useless dust

Mere fragments blown away with the wind

Where did it go and who did it reach

Will it ever return to once again  become a part of me

When will I find peace

A peace that will belong only to me

Drop a coin in the in the well and wish my life away

Wish it away to all the heart ache and pain that will be brought my way

Through the hope filled wishing of falling

I wish to fall hard…. Harder than usual

Only to fail at falling at all

I TOO (11.21.08)

I died last summer, submerged in my thoughts

Longing to stay connected with a soul I could no longer call my own

Disgusted with the disillusioned mist of reality

I vowed to never let another get so close to me

I sat back and laughed at the thought of others love

As they labeled each other as “sent from above”

I found amusement of those meaningless words

Because they should have labeled each other “endless misery”

……….Yet I too searched for love………

I died last summer, not shedding one ounce of ink

My passion for her died along with me

As every drip of emotion slowly leaked from soul

I couldn’t stand the thought of other’s happiness

It filled me with spite and dismay

So I closed off all ties with humanity

My heart used to flutter at the “three worded phrase of death” she would say

I dreaded the thought of being forced to live another day

……….Yet I too searched for love………

I died last summer, choked from the lack of serenity

I frowned upon the couples’ laughter

As they endlessly gazed at one another

I envisioned them hanging over the threshold of defeat

I dreamed that they too would suffer along with me

Disappointed with their hearts approval

They constantly and childishly pranced upon each other

How I longed to pierce their souls with bullets of impersonal gazes

……….Yet I too searched for love………

Last summer I died, left hanging by my heart

Lifeless eyes impossible to revive

I pushed away those who wanted to be connected

Closeness was no longer a word in my vocabulary

Destroyed and full of destruction

I pitied those who lived for one another

Falling as if that was all there was to life

Devising plans to kill them and make them equivalent to I

……….Yet I too searched for love………

Last summer I died, suffered from emotional deprivation

Diagnosed with a mental illness…lack of cerebral compensation

I’m not really sure if there is a category for what has been created of me

Why I enjoy seeing others fall victim to my inward thoughts of insanity

What they long for in life has been the painfully slow death of me

Could this be why I long for them do die just as devastatingly?

Love is so persuasive, critical, and disdained

Yet it is what makes us all different, buy exactly the same

……….Because I too searched for love………

DRUNKEN HIGHS & SLEEPLESS NIGHTS

I indulge in drunken highs and sleepless nights
As I intoxicate myself with thoughts of you.
I can’t seem to stay sober as I float in your eyes
I reach out a hand to touch your mind for a cognitive fix
To fix this hole in my frontal lobe to once again become intellectually whole
I constantly inject my brain with visions of you,
I twitch and tweak….. Mentally fiending for my cerebral equal
That is strategically calculated to equal all of that which is you

I indulge in drunken highs and sleepless nights
As I intoxicate myself with feelings for you
I can’t seem to stay sober as I drown in your heart
I’m fully aware with no emotions impaired
As you pour your heart into my cup
I drink heavily, tasting every drop
Shot after shot you seep inside... dilating eyes
Loosening tight lips, and sealed passions... Concealed by timid compassions

I indulge in drunken highs and sleepless nights
As I intoxicate myself with …. You
I can’t seem to stay sober as I swim through your soul
With each puff and sip you draw me closer… to let me know
Informing me that you will forever be in my system
As I systematically roll blunts of your tree,
Pouring you into cups, taking shots, and mixing drinks
I’m on an intellectual flight for eternity
Riding clouds and drinking of your love blissfully


I indulge in drunken highs and sleepless nights
As I intoxicate myself with...Thoughts.. with.. Feelings
With..... You